Broken Angel
by xxMariexx
Summary: Four years after her believed death, Leigh VanVoreen returns to Winnerrow, hoping to make peace with her past once and for all. But that's easier said than done as she faces new challenges in reuniting with her daughter and her lost love, Luke Casteel.
1. Prologue: Leigh

Title: Broken Angel  
  
Author: *Writer Chic*  
  
E-mail addy: angel_in_the_midst@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: I am not Virginia Andrews, nor am I Andrew Neiderman. I'm a fan who hopes to sucessfully imitate Virginia's style.  
  
Qualifications: [for those who have doubted] I've read the entire Casteel series, most of the books at least twice. I've read *Web of Dreams* four times and I own every book in the Casteel series. I've roleplayed Leigh VanVoreen in several roleplays: The VCA Stage, Broken Wings and Angels of Heaven. Currently, I RP Leigh in Angels of Heaven. I've written VCA fan fiction for quite awhile now; however, this is my first fan fic that continues a VCA story. Thanks for reading! :)  
  
A/N: This was revised from the original version.  
  
Prologue: Leigh  
  
When the briny sea winds blow their fiercest, I am reminded of all I have lost over the years. I've let so much slip through my fingers- and some of it I can probably never reclaim.  
  
But I can no longer hide from what I'm meant to do.  
  
It's time I face up to my responsibilities. In a small town in West Virginia, Winnerrow, in a mountain range known as the Willies to be exact, a part of my past is trapped there. It might not be the right thing to do- going back- but it's what I'm meant to do.  
  
I've avoided my past for too long. I've hidden in shame for too long. I've cowered in fear for too long.  
  
I owe it to Heaven, to Luke and to myself to go back to Winnerrow. I'll face my past, and my future- and whatever it holds...  
  
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-So begins Broken Angel-  
  
I'll give a bit of a background so this story will make sense... :) This story is set when Heaven Casteel is almost 5 years old.  
  
This story is from Leigh VanVoreen's point of view, first person. Contrary to the plotline of WODreams, Leigh didn't die in childbirth. Bear with me, because this can get a bit unbelievable, but surely it's better than the first draft was! ^_^  
  
Leigh slipped into a coma instead of dying as she did originally in WOD. Luke, in his bereaved state, didn't notice the difference. He was busy grieving "Angel", and when the doctor arrived, he examined Leigh and concluded she was in a coma. He tried to tell Luke this, but Luke was simply too distraught to listen to any reason. He believed he had seen Leigh die, and couldn't let the truth penetrate.  
  
Leigh was taken to the hospital and examined again, and put on life support, etc. The doctors had no choice but to contact the Tattertons. Imagine that they found some form of ID on Leigh, a wallet or something with an ID card filled out, okay? Tony and Jillian, "overjoyed" that Leigh has been found -although if you remember from WOD, Tony had hired a private detective anyway- took her back to Boston and kept her in a hospital there.  
  
She remained in a coma for almost six months, and then finally emerged. Of course, Leigh was still a minor, and legally married to Luke. But Luke believed Leigh had died and so he "married" Sarah. This would mean that his marriage to Sarah was never legal, but the only ones who really know that are Leigh, Jillian, Tony, and the doctors at the hospital in Winnerrow. So, life went on in Winnerrow as in the series until this time.  
  
As for the funeral... A simple *mix-up* at the morgue will do. I know, I know it's so unrealistic. BEAR WITH ME! I promise the story gets better after we get all this out of the way. Anyway, Tatterton money greased a lot of hands, and several people were persuaded to keep what they knew to themselves.  
  
Leigh returned to Winterhaven to finish out her schooling. Mind you, this was all against her will. She wanted to return to Winnerrow, return to Luke and be a mother to Heaven, but as a minor, was still the ward of her mother and stepfather. She had to remain there until she turned 18, and although she tried to get her father to sue for custody, Cleave couldn't win a custody battle. When she turned 18, Leigh, having graduated Winterhaven, attended Boston University. She's completed her first semester and is on a two week break- so she's going back to Winnerrow.  
  
At this time, Luke is 20. Leigh hasn't spoken to Tony or Jillian in almost 6 months, although they've tried to contact her.  
  
Leigh returns to Winnerrow to make peace with her past. But how can she ever explain her departure to Luke...and to Heaven, the child she has never known?  
  
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-Reviews are welcome, so are comments. Comments go to: angel_in_the_midst@hotmail.com-  
  
A/N: Thanks for the two reviews! 


	2. Chapter One: Return to Winnerrow

Chapter One  
Return to Winnerrow  
  
  
A/N: Here it is- finally...chapter 1! ^_^ I hope everyone enjoys it and reviews it or e-mails me about it...hint hint. :D  
  
  
I boarded the plane bound for West Virginia still sure I was doing the right thing. Doubt didn't begin to plague me until we took off. That was when it set in and wouldn't let go.   
Was I doing "the right thing" by going back to Winnerrow and announcing my presence to Heaven and to Luke? Or was the right thing to let them live their lives ignorant of my existence? Surely the latter couldn't be right, for I was sure that even if Luke had moved on, Heaven would need me, her biological mother as much as I needed her!   
Another thought struck me then, as most of the passengers dozed. Night had fallen and though I gazed out the window, nothing was visible.   
What if Heaven doesn't know I'm her real mother? What if she thinks Sarah is her real   
mother?  
No, I decided, I wouldn't believe that. I would believe that Annie or Luke or Toby had told Heaven the truth, that her mother was some ignorant hill girl.   
What would you have them tell her, Leigh VanVoreen? Would you have Heaven know that her mother was a gullible girl who let herself be charmed and used by Tony Tatterton?, a little voice nagged.   
I sighed, and the elderly man in the seat beside me stopped snoring for a moment, then with a little snort, continued.   
Once upon a time, I had let myself be taken in by Tony, but circumstances were different then. I was different then.   
Even though fourteen years had gone by since I had fled from Farthy, I could still see Tony's blue eyes gazing at me with such intensity…could still see him working feverishly on the mold that was to become Angel, the very first Tatterton Portrait Doll. Even now, I could call to mind the way he had touched me, and how in the end, even fighting back hadn't been enough to cause him to think better of what he was doing.  
Though it was not cold on the plane, I shivered, the horror of what Tony had done to me all those years ago still fresh. I could still remember the helplessness I had felt when I had woken from my coma and heard Tony speaking to the doctors, telling them he would take me back to Farthy as soon as I could leave the Boston hospital.   
How badly I had wanted to tear lose the IV and other tubes that kept me chained to that despicable hospital bed! I wanted nothing more than to run out of the hospital, run back to Winnerrow to Luke and Heaven, my husband and baby.   
But a fifteen year old girl is all but powerless in the eyes of the court. Daddy had helped me, he had fought valiantly to win custody of me. But the stoic judge hadn't been moved by Daddy's words. She hadn't cared that Daddy had seemed lost without me in his life, and she hadn't granted him custody of me. Tony and Momma had won, and although it had caused quite a scandal in their circle of friends, they had said it was all Daddy's idea, that I was perfectly happy at Farthy.  
The truth was that I was miserable at Farthy. For the first weeks, I cried myself to sleep every night. I felt as if I had no way out of the situation I was in, but finally I decided to run away again. I didn't care what risks I took as long as I made it back to the Willies.  
But Tony had anticipated I might try something like that, and he had put Miles and the other servants on high alert. If they suspected I was up to anything, they were to report it to Tony immediately. And they had done as they were told. As much as Curtis and Miles liked me, they were also that much afraid to disobey Tony.   
I could still remember the exact emotions I had felt when I had opened the front door to see Tony standing there, smirking. Anger, fear and frustration had combined into a seemingly nameless emotion, and all I had wanted to do was run past Tony to escape…   
Instead, Tony had grounded me to the house. School was to start back in a week anyway, and he had notified the headmistress of the Winterhaven school that I would be returning as a high school sophomore. I didn't doubt that he had pulled strings to get me into the 10th grade when I should really be in the 9th grade, as I had ran away while still in 9th grade. I didn't have credits in certain classes I needed, but Tony assured me that didn't matter. I could take extra classes eventually, he insisted.   
The rules grew much stricter after that day. I was only allowed to stay at Winterhaven one weekend out of each month, and if there was a dance held, that was my weekend to stay. Each other week, I came home and when I was studying with a tutor to make up missed classes, I was spending time with little Troy.  
Troy had grown into a young gentleman in the time I had been away. He was almost eight years old and in the third grade at one of the best schools in Boston. He and I quickly became each other's only ally in our family, and he truly became like a brother to me. He had looked up to me as his older sister, and at times, the fact that Troy depended on me and loved me was all that kept me from doing something more drastic than running away.  
I missed Heaven and Luke each day, and each day my time in the Willies grew to feel more and more like a dream. I had to remind myself it had really happened. I had my "wedding ring", the one the Amazing Mandello had given me on my wedding day, and the small ring symbolized everything that had happened while I lived in the Willies. For now, all I could do was remember Luke's voice, face, smile…his love and tenderness. All I could do was imagine what my darling baby looked like, what her voice sounded like, what she was doing…for by now, she would have been talking and walking for some time. I would have to content myself with knowing that as soon as I was able, I would go back to them.  
Tony and Momma tried to keep up the façade that we were a happy family. But I made it clear to them that I wasn't here willingly, and that I intended to leave when I was legally able to do so.   
I couldn't trust them- either of them- and I didn't want to try to become a family again. The only people that mattered to me now were Luke, Heaven, Daddy, Troy and Jennifer Longstone. Jennifer had remained my best friend, and besides Momma, Tony, and the doctors, only Jennifer knew just what had happened while I had been gone. I had no intentions of telling anyone else.  
The years had passed agonizingly slow. I had continued at Winterhaven, had graduated from there, and had been accepted at Boston University. I had completed my first semester of college and had finally gotten a three week break in between semesters. And I had taken the opportunity to go back to Winnerrow.  
I hadn't gone back to Farthy, hadn't even seen Tony or Momma since my 18th birthday. There had been no reason for me to stay at Farthy any longer, no reason to stay imprisoned in that lonely prison. I had waited almost four years to escape and there was nothing and no one that could keep me there now!   
And yet I had stayed in the city of my birth, to the place that had been my home for longer than I could remember. Why? Had I been hoping that Momma or Tony or one of their friends would see me? Did I want someone to wonder why Momma never spoke of me anymore- for surely she was ashamed to mention the daughter that had fled from her! Anything that would cause her a moment's worry had been banished from her life- and in the end, although I hadn't been banished, I had escaped from her life and from the life she had planned for me as surely as if she had ordered me gone.   
It was beyond my abilities to delve into Momma's mind, so I couldn't know if she ever thought of me. I hoped she thought of me every day and missed me so badly that just the thought of her only daughter made her cry out at night. I hoped she had realized that there are few treasures in this life, and that by letting Tony ruin the best part of me, by letting me run away and not trying to find me and bring me back, by not trying to be the mother I had needed badly at that time in my life, she had lost a real treasure- her only child.  
Momma, why wasn't my love for you enough to make you help me?, I wondered. But now, as always, there was no answer. There were only questions.  
  
  
  
Sometime during the flight, I drifted off to sleep, and when I woke shortly before we landed, I didn't remember any dreams I may have had. However, I felt as though I was moving in a daze. My movements seemed sluggish. I only vaguely heard the announcement to "buckle your seatbelts as we prepare to land."  
What seemed like seconds later, the plane was on the ground. A few minuets later, I was off the plane and in the terminal.  
Suddenly, time had sped up and was no longer moving slowly. I was back in West Virginia, and before sunset, I would be in Winnerrow.   
I collected my two suitcases and managed to find a taxi. It was a plain, blue sedan, quite different from the yellow Boston taxi cabs. The driver was a man whom I estimated to be in his early forties and he had a pleasant smile. He opened the back door for me and waited until I was settled to drive away.  
"Where are you headed, Miss?" He asked politely.  
"Winnerrow, please," I replied. He nodded and pulled out onto the highway.  
"Will you be visiting family?" He inquired. He must have seen my guarded look, because he quickly added, "forgive me if I'm being nosy. My wife- Lalah- always tells me I'm nosier than any woman she knows," he said, and followed that with a chuckle.   
Even I had to smile, and he was apparently encouraged enough by my smile to continue talking.  
"We've got a little house and a few acres of land. It's not much, but we're luckier than some." He was silent for a moment and then spoke again. "You ever been up in these mountains? I have," he said, not waiting for my reply. "It's so sad to see those little children without enough food or medical care. Why, most of them don't have indoor heat or air or plumbing!" He exclaimed.  
I nodded, remembering without having to be reminded the harsh conditions of living in the Willies.  
Oh, but it was all worth it when I was with Luke!, I thought wistfully. And it was true. I hadn't minded giving up the luxuries I had become accustomed to in Boston, and all because I had been so happy with Luke.  
"I might as well introduce myself," the driver said, breaking into my thoughts. "I'm Samuel Wallace, but most people around here call me Sammy."  
"It's nice to meet you, Sammy," I replied. "I'm Leigh Cast- Leigh VanVoreen," I added. I had almost introduced myself as "Leigh Casteel," when in truth I hadn't been Leigh Casteel for a long time.   
"VanVoreen…that's an unusual name," Sammy mused.  
"It's Dutch," I said, automatically.   
He nodded and focused on the road.  
The drive took a little over an hour, and Sammy and I carried on a conversation for part of the time. He told me about his children and his wife, and all he asked, once I told him where I came from, was that I told him what living in Boston was like. I obliged, and talking with this kindly man helped ease the tension crawling all over me.   
We arrived in Winnerrow late that afternoon. It was all I could do to keep from leaping out of the cab, and I hastily paid Sammy the fee.   
"Thank you," I said as he lifted my bags from the trunk and then closed the trunk.  
"It's no problem, Miss VanVoreen," he responded. "You take care," he said and got back into his taxi. A moment later, he drove away, and a few seconds after that, he was out of view. I stared after him for a moment, and then lifted my bags and crossed the street to Winnerrow's only hotel. As soon as I walked in, I was struck by how different this hotel was from the fine New England hotels. People were sitting in the lobby and talking but there was none of the hustle and bustle so evident anywhere in Boston. The townsfolk here did everything on a less hurried scale, and it was a welcome change.  
I approached the concierge's desk and set my bags at my feet. A young brunette woman was working behind the desk, and she looked up and smiled at me.  
"Can I help you?" She asked.  
"I'd like a room," I said.   
"How long will you be staying?"  
"I'm not sure," I replied honestly. "Let's say a week."  
She nodded, and then looked back at me.  
"How will you be paying?"  
"Cash," I said quickly.  
She told me the fee, and I paid her. For the amount of money I would pay to spend two nights in a Boston hotel, I could spend a week at this hotel in Winnerrow.   
"Can I ask your name, to put into the computer?" She inquired.  
I hesitated for only a second.  
"Dianne Jankins." Dianne was my middle name, Jankins was Momma's maiden name. Surely no one would recognize the name here, for no one had ever known that much about me when I had lived here.   
There was still a chance someone would recognize me, however. But it had been four years since I had been here, and hopefully most people wouldn't remember me. To my relief, the young desk clerk didn't seem suspicious. She was probably too young to remember me.  
"I hope you have a pleasant stay," she said politely, and I smiled at her.   
"Thank you," I replied, lifted my bags, took the key she offered, and walked to the elevator. I pushed the button and the doors swished open a moment later. I stepped in, pushed the button for the 3rd floor and the doors closed softly. A moment later I felt the strange lifting sensation of the elevator, and a minuet after that, the doors opened on the 3rd floor.  
I stepped out and made my way to my room- 346. I unlocked the door and stepped inside.  
For better or for worse, I was now back in Winnerrow. 


	3. Chapter Two: Face to Face

Chapter Two: Face-to-Face  
  
A/N: I'd like to apologize for the delay with this chapter. I've been so busy finishing other stories that I neglected this one! Thank you to everyone who's waited patiently for this chapter, and I'll try to get more chapters out sooner now! Also, thank you very much to everyone who reviewed. Your support means a lot to me! -Molli  
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The room I stepped into was admittedly smaller than my suite of rooms at Farthy, but I knew I would rather be in this less luxurious room than an any room in Farthingale Manor.   
I surveyed the room, and concluded that although it was cramped, it wasn't a bad room at all. The double bed had a warm-looking comforter spread across it, and two fluffy pillows were tucked beneath that comforter. A chest of drawers stood against one corner, and a nightstand stood by the other side of the bed. There was a small lamp on both the nightstand and the chest.   
There was one large, bay window on the far left side of the room, and I crossed the room to look out the window. It was early afternoon, and the streets weren't very crowded. Today was Saturday and I had been gone from Winnerrow long enough that I didn't remember what its residents did Saturday afternoons.  
Suddenly, the infamous jet lag caught up with me. The flight hadn't been that long, but I was tired, both from physical stress and emotional stress. I set my alarm clock for five o'clock and crawled under the blanket.  
In moments, I was asleep.  
If I dreamed, I didn't remember the dreams when I woke. The room didn't come into focus immediately, because it had been light outside when I had went to sleep, and now it was dark outside. I sat up and looked at the small clock. I had slept through the alarm- it was 9:30. Much too late to go to the cabin. I groaned with disappointment, and then got out of bed.   
The hotel had a small restaurant- nothing fancy, mind you- but I knew it would do for a quick dinner. The sign said it was open until 10:30, and I knew I would have time to eat something. I slipped on a pair of shoes and brushed my hair, grabbed my room key and put in inside my purse, and then walked out of the room. I locked the door behind me and took the elevator down to the lobby.  
The hamburger and French fries weren't the best I had ever had, but to me, they were very good. The sweet iced tea tasted like none I had ever had, and I savored it all.   
I went back up to my room and sat by the window, looking out. The sky was clear and starry and I focused on the first star I saw. It was childish, I knew, to wish on a star, but if anyone needed a wish to come true, I did, I thought.  
I wish that Luke and Heaven will accept me back into their lives and that this reunion will go smoothly.   
Was that too much to hope for? I wondered as I changed into pajamas and got back into bed.   
I would know tomorrow, I realized, as despite my five-hour nap, I drifted off to sleep.  
_________  
  
The following day was a Sunday. I had thought about attending Winnerrow's local church service, but finally decided to go straight to the cabin in the Willies. I wanted to do so before I lost my nerve.  
I showered, dressed and dried my hair. I hadn't dressed up, I hadn't wanted to put on airs for my meeting with my Winnerrow family. I had never done so in the past and I didn't want to start pretending to be someone I wasn't now.  
I ate a quick breakfast in the hotel restaurant, then took what I needed from my hotel room, left, and locked the door. A few moments later, I was in my car and headed to the steep, curving road that would take me to my destination.  
The windows were rolled down and I took in great gulps of the fresh air. My palms were sweating so much that my grasp on the steering wheel was slick. My whole body felt shaky, and I felt as though I had drank several cups of black coffee, when I hadn't had any.   
What would happen today? I wondered. Would Luke be overjoyed to see me…had he missed me as much as I had missed him? Maybe he had missed me more- after all, he believed I was dead. He had had to learn to move on and wasn't expecting to ever see me again. Undoubtedly, his love for me had been tucked away in a part of his heart few others saw, whereas my love for him was still aching to be nourished into the real love I had always dreamed of sharing with my husband… I wanted the kind of relationship with Luke now that we had begun to have when we had been married…before my supposed death.  
Was that still possible?  
Or was I simply fooling myself into believing it was?  
I made the final turn, my thoughts and questions overwhelming me, and then pulled up in front of the house that wasn't much more than a shack. It was home to me once, I thought. Maybe it still can be home.  
I climbed out of the car and shut the door, then took a long look at the cabin. The little house had been obviously old and small before, but now it looked dilapidated…as though no one cared for it anymore.  
The grass had been allowed to grow a bit longer than Luke liked it to be, and some children's toys lay scattered in the yard. But the two rocking chairs Ma and Pa had sat in to rock were still sitting firmly on the sagging porch. The sight of those two chairs- something familiar despite how my life had changed- sent a surge of renewed hope   
through me.   
Slowly but purposefully, I walked up the few steps to the porch. My hands shook as I knocked two loud raps on the wooden door. And then I waited for someone to answer the door.  
And waited.  
Finally, after almost two minuets, I knocked again. I looked at the simple gold watch I wore. It was eight thirty- surely they weren't sleeping this late, I thought to myself.   
Still, no one answered the door. Dejected, I turned to go. I took the first step and an aching seemed to fill my soul.  
I'll come back later, I thought. Maybe they went to church after all.  
Yes, I could come back later. I could try again.  
Just then, the door creaked open. I whirled around and gazed at the woman who stood in front of me. I didn't have to guess at who she was- for I still remembered my first sight of Annie Brandywine Casteel over four years ago.  
She hadn't changed really, only the addition of a few more wrinkles marked her face and let me know she had indeed aged.   
Neither of us spoke. The lump in my throat was growing larger, and I wondered if perhaps she thought she was seeing a ghost. I wouldn't blame her for doubting what her eyes were showing her, I thought.   
Finally, her dark eyes wide, she spoke.  
"Angel?" Her voice quavered with disbelief but like the rockers and the cabin, it was familiar. Safe. Comforting.  
"Angel, is it really you?"  
All I could manage was a nod. I tried to compose myself.  
"Yes, Ma, it's really me."  
She stared at me in wonder.  
"How? T' doctors told us ya were dead…killed birthin' Heaven."  
I nodded again.  
"I know, Ma. I didn't die, I was in a comma. They took me to the hospital. The doctors tried to tell Luke that I hadn't died, but I think he was too grief-stricken to listen to any reason then.   
"Tony Tatterton and my mother were contacted, and they took me back to Boston. They kept me there until I turned 18."  
"Tony- yer stepfather- and yer Momma?"  
"Yes."  
Ma shook her head, as though all this was too fantastic for her to believe. I still could barely believe it all myself. All of it seemed like a life someone I knew had lived- not a life I had lived.  
"I know it sounds like something out a movie," I continued, "but it's all true," I quickly added. "Because I wasn't a legal adult, I had to live with them. My daddy tried to get custody of me, or at least let me come back here, but Momma and Tony told the judge that my marriage to Luke wasn't legal. I didn't have anything to prove it was legal, even though it was. And Daddy couldn't get custody of me. I had to remain at Farthinggale Manor until I turned 18.  
"After that, I worked to save up my own money, and started college. I wanted to make sure Momma and Tony knew I was not going to be a part of their lives anymore, and then I'd come back here. And now…I'm back."  
Annie sat down in the nearby rocking chair and closed her eyes for a long moment. Then, she looked up at me.  
"Come here," she whispered. I moved closer to her. She reached out a thin hand and touched me, and then quickly jerked her hand back. "Yer real," she murmured, appearing shocked. It had taken her touching me to convince her this was no dream, no joke.  
"And very much alive," I added, smiling.   
I sat in the chair next to her.  
"I know it's hard to believe, but it all really happened."  
"I remember what ya told us of thet Tony Tatterton and yer mother. It sure sounds like somethin' they would do," she muttered, angrily.   
Then she reached out and touched my hand again.  
"Tell me the whole story, startin' from t' beginning and not leavin' out anything'," she requested.   
"Shouldn't I wait to tell Luke and Pa the whole story?" I asked softly, gently.  
"Luke and t' others went ta church this mornin' an' they won't be back fer anotha   
hour or so." She told me.  
"Oh," I said softly. I couldn't help but feel disappointed, and thought that if I had gone with my instinct and gone to church this morning I would have most likely have already seen Luke and Heaven.   
But I was here now and I might as well make the most of this time with Annie.   
I wanted to tell the whole story when I was with her, Luke and Pa, but I knew that I would have plenty of time to re-tell the story.  
So I told Ma everything, and didn't leave out anything. I told her my first memories of waking up in a Boston hospital, of realizing where I was and of my first meeting with Tony and Momma in that hospital. I recounted what they had told me- and the ultimatum they had given me: live with them or they would make sure Heaven was taken from Luke and given up for adoption.  
It had been too painful to recall that particular memory earlier but now, with Ma's presence nearby, I could speak about that day for the first time in years.  
I continued with the story, the tale of my imprisionment at Farthy, of the rest of my high-school years, of how I had longed to return here…how I had missed Luke, Heaven, Pa and Ma. I even told Ma about young Troy.  
She listened to everything I had to say, and when I cried, she didn't try to stop me. She just patted my back and let me cry.  
The last time I had cried was the day Tony had caught me trying to run away again. I had vowed not to cry anymore, but rather to become strong and determined…strong enough to vanquish even Tony!  
But now I let the tears come freely and then when the worst was over, I dried my eyes and turned to Ma.  
"So, now you know everything," I said softly.  
Well, not everything, I thought. Ma still didn't know that Heaven was really Tony's daughter- and if I had my way, no one but Luke would ever know! I didn't want to bring my daughter up in the world I had left. I wanted to bring her up here, where she was safe. That's all I had wanted when I married Luke…that and to be happy with Luke.   
Fate had taken all that away from me but now…  
Now I hoped to reclaim what I had lost.  
"Yes, now I know everythin'," Ma said softly, almost disbelievingly. "It's still so hard ta believe, Angel, thet you're alive an' here. It's like a miracle," she continued, with a tremulous smile.  
"I know just what you mean," I said and gently squeezed the hand she had rested over mine. "But I'm back for good, Ma! Don't you see- Luke and I can remarry if we need to, raise Heaven…we can still have the life we had begun four years ago!"  
Ma looked at me, but didn't speak. A troubled look came into her eyes, and I leaned forward.  
"Can't we?" I asked, urgently. "I know this is all unbelievable and a wild act of Fate, but can't Luke and I start over and make a family? I still love him, Ma, as much as I ever did…maybe more now! And I've missed him and Heaven every day since I left. I've dreamed of nothing but coming back here, and now I'm finally back!" I cried.   
Still, Annie didn't speak and I felt something dark and cold- something like fear- push some of my elation out of the way.  
What was wrong here? Could Heaven or Luke be sick? Could something have happened to Heaven?  
No, No, I cried silently. I wouldn't permit myself to think that! Not now, when I was finally back where I belonged!  
Finally, Ma spoke.  
"Angel, some thins' have changed since ya been gone," she said gently.   
"That's okay," I replied, desperate for her not to say what I thought she was going to say. "Whatever has happened, Luke and I can triumph over it. I know we can!"  
"Leigh," Ma said softly, and for her to call me by my given name, it must be serious, I thought, panicked, "Luke has…well…he's…" She trailed off, as though telling me was too great a shock. What could be so wrong?  
Just then, the truck I knew was Luke's pulled up in the yard.   
Ma stood.  
"Luke's married again," she blurted.  
I stood there, frozen. It hurt to breathe and I didn't trust myself to move or speak. Luke had remarried? No, that wasn't part of the plan! I hadn't let myself think about that possibility…I had wanted to believe Luke still loved me enough to…  
To what? Chase after a dream that would, for him, never come true? Hold onto a love he believed was dead?  
I knew it made sense for Luke to marry, to give Heaven a mother and yet still I could say nothing.  
But I didn't have to say anything, because just then the truck doors opened and Luke and Pa got out, followed by two young children and a red-haired woman holding a sleeping baby.  
I felt as though time slowed down as they approached the spot where I stood with Annie. Everything went into slow-motion and the few steps it took to get to the porch became giant leaps in my mind.   
And then, Luke walked to where I stood and stopped. He took a long look at me, into my blue eyes and didn't say a word. And I…I couldn't say anything.  
Finally, after four years I was face-to-face with Luke Casteel…only this reunion wasn't turning out to be anything like I had hoped it would be. 


	4. Chapter Three: Heaven

Chapter Three: Heaven  
  
  
For a long, pregnant moment, no one spoke or moved. Speech was a foreign concept to me. Movement wasn't an option. I could barely breathe.  
  
And then I inhaled a great, hitching gasp of air, and the world that I thought had stopped swung into motion again. I exhaled and breathed a single word.  
  
"Luke…"  
  
Hearing me speak his name seemed to snap Luke out of the frozen state he had also fallen into. He blinked once, then again, and turned to the woman with him, the woman I now knew was his wife.  
  
"Sarah, take the kids into the cabin," he said softly. "You go on in too, Pa and Ma. I'll be in shortly."  
  
Quickly, Sarah obeyed Luke, taking the two children and baby into the cabin. I had glimpsed a dark-haired girl and boy for a brief second. Was the girl Heaven? I wondered. My arms ached to hold my daughter but Sarah swept them into the cabin so quickly that peek was all I saw of the girl I was sure was Heaven.  
  
Toby approached me warily, glanced at me with watery eyes, and then went on into the cabin. I was sure he, like Annie, was probably doubting his own thoughts right now.  
  
Annie followed Toby, but not before smiling softly at me. Her look was reassuring, something I needed right now.  
  
I turned back to Luke, who hadn't said anything else yet. Nervously, I clasped my hands together. There was so much I wanted to say, none of which I could bring myself to blurt out just yet.  
  
At that moment, Luke broke the heavy silence but I didn't know whether to feel relief or more uneasiness.  
  
"Leigh? How is this possible?"  
  
I was at a loss for words. After four years, I was standing with my real love, my protector, my husband and…and I was speechless. What did I say now that I was here? Where did I begin?  
  
Just say something, Leigh, I thought. Just tell him the truth.  
  
"Luke, I know you must be thinking all sorts of wild thoughts, but let me start by telling you I am really here, alive."  
  
I took a deep breath. I was about to tell Luke the story. Luke knew all my secrets. Telling him my story would be different than telling Ma my story.   
  
But it was something I had to do. He deserved to know.  
  
And so I began.  
Luke's face showed a range of emotions during my story. Anger, sadness, disappointment, and confusion all made appearances in his expression. He didn't interrupt. He let me talk until there was nothing left to say…except I love you which he hadn't said and I was actually too afraid to say.  
  
When I finished, when I had told Luke everything, he didn't say anything. A cold chill crept through me then. What if he had let my memory go for good when he remarried? What if he didn't want me in his life now? What if he was unsure about where we stood now?  
  
As it turned out, his reaction wasn't quite what I expected.  
  
"You know, you can't just come back here and expect me to hand over Heaven," Luke began. "I've raised her so far. She's mine, too." He said hotly.  
  
I was slightly taken aback by the angry tone I heard in his voice, but told myself to remain calm. I hadn't waited so long only to blow my last chance.  
  
"I understand, Luke," I began, but he spoke again, cutting me off.  
  
"How do you think I feel right now?" He asked. "I thought you died, Leigh. Heaven thinks Sarah is her mother." He shook his head, and continued.   
  
"I had to let you go, Leigh. I had to put your memory away, out of sight. I had to move on. You- you died, Angel," he said, and then his voice cracked slightly. "And part of me died that night. I don't know if I can ever get that part back."  
  
He looked into my eyes then, and I shivered. There was such pain in those eyes…such torment.   
  
I took a step closer to Luke, and to my relief, he didn't back away.   
  
"I'm sorry, Luke," I said softly. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. But as you now know, my life since then hasn't been the happiest.  
  
"For the last few years, I've dreamed of coming back here, and being a wife to you and a mother to Heaven. I know I can't be your wife anymore," I continued, my voice catching slightly. I swallowed hard and spoke again. "But I can still be Heaven's mother."  
  
To my shock, Luke shook his head.  
  
"Maybe it's too late, Leigh. She has another mother."  
  
"Luke Casteel!" I cried, horrified. "What are you saying? No matter what's happened, I'm still Heaven's mother."  
  
He sat on the old porch's top step, and ran an agitated hand through his hair.  
  
I took a good look at him then, and realized that the last four years had only served to mature Luke's features. He was even more handsome today than he had been the last time I had seen him.   
  
I still loved him. And it hurt that he had remarried. But I could understand his reasons. Heaven had needed a mother, and he had probably been lonely without me.  
  
But for him to say it was too late for me to be Heaven's mother… I wouldn't accept that. I couldn't. Heaven had a right to know me, her real mother. I had a right to know my own daughter.  
  
"Why would you even say that?" I asked, hurt.  
  
He looked up at me again.  
  
"I said it because having you back in my life and in Heaven's life after you being gone-after thinking you were dead-would hurt too much. And what if you left again?"  
  
I sat next to him and looked at him, determined to make him believe me.  
  
"Luke, I wouldn't ever leave. I didn't leave of my own will last time! I told you I was forced to go back to Boston, forced to live with Tony and my mother. Believe me, the only thing I wanted to do was run straight back here to you and Heaven.  
  
"I'm sorry you thought I was dead. I just- I thought that someone would have told you I wasn't. I couldn't get to you to tell you otherwise. I felt so…alone, Luke. I wanted you to be there to hold me, but I couldn't get away from Farthy.  
  
"Don't you think I loved you?" I cried. "Don't you know I still do love you? I love Heaven, too, though I haven't been able to be a mother to her before now. But I'm here now. I'm alive. That's what matters," I finished.   
  
Luke stood, and walked a few steps away from me. I stood, uncertain of what he would say.   
  
To my surprise, he spun around and closed the distance between us. My breath caught as he moved close enough to kiss me, should he want to. My whole body seemed to be screaming for him to touch me.   
  
He touched my face with a trembling hand, and his dark eyes burned into mine with an intensity that stirred me. What did he see in my eyes? I wondered. I hoped he saw all the things I had said to him.   
  
Luke's eyes never left mine as he lowered his mouth to mine. I closed my eyes in anticipation of his kiss, but it never came. I opened my eyes to see he had moved away several paces.  
  
He spoke then, quietly, without looking at me.  
  
"I guess I can't really stop you from bein' a mother to Heaven," he said. "If that's what you want to do, then go ahead. But you and I, Angel…we can't…be what we used to be to each other."  
  
Then he walked to the door of the cabin and opened it.  
  
"Sarah, send Heaven out!" He called.   
  
He turned back to me.  
  
"I don't understand why all this has happened, but I won't interfere with you being a mama to Heaven." Then, so low I could barely hear him, he murmured, "I still love you, Angel."   
  
My eyes filled with tears as Luke turned and walked over to his truck. He got in, slammed the door, and peeled out of the driveway a moment later.  
  
He loves me, I thought, but he won't act on that love. My heart ached for him, and for myself. How agonizing seeing me again like this must be for him, I thought.   
  
But I still had a purpose for being here, I thought. Heaven was my purpose. She would become all that mattered to me here. She would be my redemption.  
  
A moment later, she appeared in the doorway of the cabin.  
Spellbound, I moved eagerly toward Heaven. I didn't want to frighten her, but now that I was this close to my little girl, it was hard to contain my excitement. I sat again on the porch steps and smiled at her while trying to control my tears of happiness.   
  
Cautiously, she approached me. I got my first clear look at my daughter.  
  
Heaven's hair, the dark hair she had been born with was fine and hadn't changed in color. Her eyes were a cornflower blue and her facial features were a definite blind of mine…and Tony's. She had my nose, mouth and cheekbones, or so I thought, and his hands, jaw and hair color.  
  
She was a beautiful girl. I could tell from the way she eyed me that she curious about the world around her. I couldn't help but smile again.   
  
I longed to hold her, but knew that might scare her off. So instead, I talked to her.  
  
"Hello, Heaven," I said softly. "My name is Leigh. I'm a friend of your father."  
  
She came forward a few steps further and sat beside me.   
  
"Hi Leigh," she said softly, with a wide smile.   
  
My own smile faltered for a moment. I was overcome with emotion, but managed to control myself.   
  
Heaven began talking about a dog she had named Buddy. She was obviously at ease with me.  
  
Soon, I vowed, she'll call me Mommy and know me as her mother. Soon, I'll reclaim all I've lost.  
  
  
  
  
Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know it's shorter than the others, but I'll try to make up for that in the next ones! 


	5. Chapter Four: Changes

Chapter Four: Changes  
  
Many changes occurred in my life over the next few months. Some were more drastic than others, but they were necessary to the success of my new life.  
  
I transferred from Boston University to a small community college in a town an hour away from Winnerrow. The town was somewhat larger than Winnerrow, but nowhere near the size of Boston. The school had a good reputation, and an even better program in which I could earn a degree in teaching. Teaching seemed like the best career for me to go into. I wanted to give something back to the citizens of Winnerrow. Although some of them had never made me feel very welcome, plenty of others had.   
  
Never had I felt more as if I belonged someplace than I had felt in my short time in Winnerrow. I wanted badly to reclaim that feeling…even without Luke.   
  
My life settled into a routine. I commuted to school during the week, spent the weekends with Heaven in Winnerrow, and managed to do fairly well in college. I enjoyed my classes immensely. My teachers were intelligent and loved to spark debates in class.   
  
I thrived in college, on learning. I made new friends. The campus was small, and everyone knew practically everyone else. And what was even better was the fact that while the other students were just that--students--I was a mother, struggling to be that mother to her child.  
  
However, from the first moment I had spent with Heaven, Sarah had resented me. She had yet to voice her feelings, but I could see the hate smoldering in her eyes. I could see it in the way she hovered near me when I was with Heaven, so that I often took Heaven back to my apartment to spend time with her away from Sarah.  
  
I had made an effort to befriend Sarah, but she didn't seem interested. I knew she didn't like me because Luke had still clung to my memory when he had first married her, and now I had returned to claim his attention, and she probably thought, his love again.  
  
However, Luke had done his best to avoid me since the day he had agreed to let me be a part of Heaven's life. I had only seen him a handful of times in the last few months. Annie confided that Luke spent a lot of time wandering and a good deal of that time at Shirley's Place in Winnerrow's red-light district.  
  
I tried not to care. After all, Luke and I weren't really married anymore. We weren't living together. We weren't in love. I had no right to inquire as to where he went and who he saw.  
  
But it still hurt to know that he couldn't even look at me.  
  
One on of the rare occasions he spoke to me, I asked Luke why he was avoiding me. He answered that he couldn't bear seeing me and not being able to act like my husband.  
  
Confused, I had touched his hand as he had turned to leave again.  
  
"Luke, you can be my husband again. We can remarry, if you want to. Technically, your marriage to Sarah isn't even legal."  
  
He had paused then, and given me a perplexed look. Encouraged, I continued.  
  
"You and I are still married, Luke. We were married when you thought I died. We never divorced." I kept my hand on his. "We're still husband and wife, Luke."  
  
He shook his head, confused.  
  
"What? Of course Sarah an' I are married. Reverend Wise married us."  
  
"Luke, if you don't believe me, ask a lawyer. He'll tell you the same thing I have just told you."  
  
I didn't think any more of the conversation until about two weeks later when a packet of papers arrived in my mail. I quickly opened it, and nearly lost my breath when I read what Luke had done.  
  
…Luke Casteel has petitioned for a divorce from Leigh VanVoreen Casteel…  
  
Luke wanted to divorce me? So he could legally marry Sarah Williams? I stood on shaky legs, intending to go tell him just what I thought of him, but then sat down just as quickly.  
  
He must truly love Sarah if he wanted to marry her right and proper, I thought.   
  
Or he just couldn't love me anymore…  
  
With a heavy heart, I signed the papers where my signature was needed. This was as good as admitting defeat, I thought, like cowing down and giving up on all my hopes for Luke and I. I still loved him, but would not force him to do anything he didn't want to do…such as return my love.  
  
  
  
A few teardrops spilled onto the paper, but I quickly brushed them away, determined that no one would know of my broken heart.  
  
_______  
  
Time passed with only an acknowledgment from me. Luke's divorce from me became final. Heaven turned five years old, then six, and seven. I finished my freshman, sophomore and junior years of college.   
  
I had talked with him about it, and he had maintained that it was "best for us all" if he and I divorced. His reason was that it wasn't right for he and I to remain married but not live together, and it wasn't right for him to 'divorce' Sarah to marry me.   
  
I didn't think his reasoning made sense at all. In fact, I thought he was just scared to love me again after believing I was dead for four years. But I wouldn't dare say anything to him about it. And I would not pine away for Luke. I would tuck my love for him away deep in my heart, and I would move on with my life. I had to.   
  
I would make Heaven my sole purpose in the Willies, just as I had decided I would years ago. I would dedicate all my time to her.   
  
That's exactly what I did on my summer vacation from college. In order to graduate a semester early, I was taking summer classes, but in between those extra classes and working, I spent all my free time with Heaven. I took her to Winnerrow's park and played with her there. I took her to the Winnerrow's only hotel's lobby and we ate lunches there in the "fancy" lobby, as she called it.  
  
Slowly, my daughter had begun to trust me. She spent at least three nights each week in my apartment. We did silly things together, but spent time doing serious things, too. The best times were our "singing times." Those were when she and I would sing together. I felt close to her in those moments.   
  
She had called me Mama the first time on June 25th, the year she was five and I even now, I couldn't remember a time I had been happier. Over the next few weeks, Heaven and I grew even closer.   
  
It was as if the closer I got the Heaven, the farther away from us both Luke wanted to be. He was gone even more now than he had been before, and the more Luke was gone, the more Sarah resented me.   
  
I had no idea just how much she resented me and just how far she would go to get me out of her life until a few weeks later.  
  
_______  
  
"I'll be back on Monday, Heaven," I said. Heaven and I were standing outside Luke's cabin, saying goodbye. I was going to visit Jennifer Longstone, my best friend from Winterhaven Academy for the weekend, and I was leaving Heaven here.   
  
"Okay, Mama," she replied and hugged me again. I hugged her back, kissed her cheek and then stood.   
  
"Be good," I said with a smile.   
  
"I will. You don't have to worry about me, Mama," she said.   
  
She smiled back at me and then I got into my car. I drove away without looking back.  
  
If I had known what was about to happen, I wouldn't have stopped looking back.  
  
_______  
  
Jennifer Longstone was now Jennifer Matthews. She had married her childhood sweetheart, William Matthews. I had gone to the wedding, which had been held in Boston.  
  
I hadn't soon forgotten my fear that somehow Momma or Tony would find out I was in Boston, so very near to Farthy. In fact, while I was at the wedding, I had seen a blonde haired woman who, from the side, looked so much like my mother that I had lost my breath. But when she turned around fully, I had immediately known she was not my mother.  
  
The strange mix of relief and sadness I had felt then had confused me. A part of me never wanted to see Momma, Tony or Farthy again. That part hated the Bostonian attitude, the rigors of high society and the snobbery.  
  
Another part of me longed to have my mother in my life again, but doubted if that was possible.  
  
Jennifer didn't live in Boston anymore. She and William had moved to South Carolina two years ago. But she had friends who lived in Boston who told her about the Tattertons. Apparently, Tony's empire was still making huge profits each year, and Momma still held her social events consistently.  
  
I had lain awake many nights sobbing for what I had lost at the age of fourteen: a mother, my father, my innocence, the life I should have had. But when I compared losing all that to gaining Heaven, the past didn't hurt as much.  
  
Besides, if Momma hadn't ever taken the trouble to at least try to find me, she couldn't miss me very much, could she? And I wanted her to miss me. I wanted her to lay awake nights, crying as I had cried for years now, dreaming of me and all she had done to drive me away…and of all she had lost when she lost me.   
  
But over the years, the thoughts of revenge had disappeared. I didn't want to live my life that way. I didn't want to burn every bridge I came across.   
  
All I wanted was to be happy. I didn't think that was too much to ask, not after everything I had been through.  
  
_______  
  
As soon as I stepped off the plane in Greenville, South Carolina, I heard someone call out my name.  
  
"LEIGH!" Jennifer squealed excitedly. We hadn't seen each other since her wedding to William. I was as excited as she was.  
  
I jogged toward her and we met in the middle of the terminal. She threw her arms around me and I hugged her back. We didn't pull away for a few long moments. When we did, I took a good look at my old friend.  
  
Jennifer looked much the same as she had when we were fourteen, and again when we were nineteen. Now that we were both twenty-one, and legal adults, I had somehow expected her to look wiser or at least older. But Jennifer had the ability to look five years younger than she really was.   
  
Her big brown eyes sparkled with happiness and mischief, and her long, black hair was pulled up into a ponytail, which made her look even younger. Her smile was a comforting as ever.  
  
"Jen, it's so good to see you!" I exclaimed.   
  
Then I saw what I hadn't noticed before.  
  
"You're pregnant?" I asked incredulously.  
  
Jennifer nodded.  
  
"Yes, I'm almost four months along," she replied.   
  
I hugged her again, more cautiously this time.   
  
"That's great news, Jen. Why didn't you tell me the last time we talked?"  
  
"I wanted to surprise you," she said with a grin.  
  
"Well, you succeeded!"   
  
William walked over to us then, and put an arm around Jennifer's shoulder. He extended his hand to me, and I shook it. I had liked William from the first time we met, and he was one of the few people who knew my story.   
  
His blue eyes shone with happiness as he greeted me.  
  
"It's nice to see you again, Leigh."  
  
"It's nice to see you again, too, William."  
  
He glanced at Jennifer. The look plainly asked: Should we tell her? Jennifer nodded, and before William could speak, she bubbled over with her announcement.  
  
"Leigh, we invited a surprise guest for the weekend. You'll never guess who it is: Joshua Bennington!" She said, before I could even think of who she would have invited.  
  
Joshua Bennington? My childhood sweetheart, Joshua Bennington?  
  
"Why--why would you do that?"  
  
"Because," Jennifer trilled, "Josh is single like you are, and when I mentioned you were coming down for the weekend soon, he practically begged me to invite him."  
  
"I'm sure he did," I replied.  
  
Jennifer smiled coyly.   
  
"Okay, so he didn't beg me to invite him. But he did seem interested in what you were doing and where you were. I told him you had almost finished college and were living in West Virginia, and were single, and then I decided to invite him down." She smiled at me innocently. "Josh and William have been friends since Winterhaven, and William doesn't care at all to have two guests for this weekend."  
  
"What will we talk about? We--we don't even know each other anymore!"  
  
Jennifer laughed.  
  
"Well, as I remember, you and Josh were quite involved at Winterhaven."  
  
"Jen, that was five years ago," I protested.  
  
Joshua and I had become a couple again when I had returned from Winnerrow. I had never told him I had a little girl back in West Virginia, just that I had run away from home because I was unhappy there. He still cared for me, and we had been together throughout high school.   
  
I had thought I was in love with him, but had broken off our relationship after we had graduated from our respective schools. I knew I had hurt him, although I had tried to end things as gracefully as I could.  
  
I hadn't seen Joshua since I had left for Winnerrow. The one time I had seen him after graduation, he hadn't seemed bitter about our breakup. It had hurt me too, to leave him that way. But I had known even then that I had to go back to Winnerrow. Staying in Boston--and with Joshua--wasn't an option.  
  
What would our imminent reunion be like, I wondered, as William loaded my suitcase into his car. Would Joshua and I get along? Or would we be strangers to each other?  
  
I knew I would find out soon.  
  
_______  
  
I could see Joshua sitting on the front porch of William and Jennifer's two-story home as we pulled up in the driveway. My heart felt lodged in my throat as William stopped the car and we all exited it. Slowly, I moved toward where Joshua sat. As I approached, he stood.   
  
"Hello, Leigh," he said softly. I somehow managed to respond.  
  
"Hello, Joshua."  
  
He hesitated, obviously wondering whether to shake my hand or hug me. Finally, I stepped forward and hugged him tentatively. After a second, he returned the hug. I caught the scent of his cologne--the same kind he had worn in high school--and felt a wave of memories sweep over me.   
  
I realized then how much I had missed Joshua. He and I had always been good friends, and I missed our friendship even more than I had ever missed our romantic relationship.   
  
Joshua and I drew away from each other after a long moment, but neither of us spoke. I didn't really know what to say to break the proverbial ice, and it appeared he didn't either. Luckily, Jennifer stepped in.  
  
"Well, William and I will take Leigh's bag into the guest room and you two can catch up," she said. It was obvious William didn't need any help getting my bag inside, but at least she was trying to help.  
  
Joshua leaned against the nearest post and looked at me. I did the same.   
  
He had changed somewhat in the last years. He had let his black hair grow out a little longer, and his face looked stronger, more mature, but his green eyes looked as warm as ever. Seeing the familiar friendliness in his eyes loosened my tongue.   
  
"Joshua, I know this-"  
  
"Please," he interrupted, "call me Josh. I'm sorry I interrupted you."  
  
I shook my head.  
  
"That's okay. I was going to say that although I know this must be as awkward for you as it is for me, I hope that we…can be friends again."  
  
A smile spread across Josh's face, a smile that I found myself responding.  
  
"Of course we can be friends again, Leigh. I haven't held any hard feelings against you. I know you had your reasons for ending our relationship--but I forgave you for that a long time ago." He said, and raked a hand through his hair. "I've missed you," he added.  
  
"I-I've missed you, too," I admitted.  
  
That seemed to break that ice between us, and for the next half hour, Josh and I talked about where we had been and what we had done for the last few years. Like me, he had almost finished college. But where I was going into teaching, Josh wanted to be an art historian.   
  
I almost envied him. Josh's future seemed set. He had a promising career. He had wonderful parents. Undoubtedly, he would find a fantastic wife.  
  
Meanwhile, I was struggling to let go of Luke while finding myself unable to fall out of love with him. My daughter's stepmother hated me. I only had limited access to my daughter.   
  
But I wouldn't trade lives with Josh, because in my own life, I had Heaven.  
  
And she was all I needed.  
  
Nevertheless, I knew I wouldn't mind having Josh in my life again, even as just a friend. From the way he's looking at me, I thought, that's still a possibility.  
  
_______  
  
From that point on, the weekend flew by. And for once, I did not think of Luke. Not when I was surrounded by friends like Jennifer, William and Josh.   
  
At first, I did not want to admit it to myself, but as the weekend wore on into Sunday evening, I realized I had begun to feel some of my old attraction to Josh. I tried to write it off as simply mixed emotions about being around him again. But he and I had both matured over the last few years, and what I was feeling toward him now was no schoolgirl crush. It was a strong attraction.  
  
I felt confused by what I was feeling. It was almost as if I was being unfaithful to Luke. But that was ridiculous! Luke had made it more than clear that he no longer loved me. For whatever reasons, he had fallen out of love with me. I had every right to find someone else to love. I should move on with my life.  
  
But I knew that that would not be easy.   
  
Josh and I spent a good amount of time talking, and exchanged addresses. He was living off-campus near Boston University. Of course, he wanted to know where I was living. When I said I was living in West Virginia, and going to college there to be near my daughter, he appeared surprised, but didn't pry for information. The fact that he did not immediately ask to know my story impelled me to tell him that story.  
  
By the time I finished, his handsome face was red with anger.   
  
"Gosh, Leigh, if I could, I'd go find Tony and beat him to a pulp." He slammed his fist into the palm of his other hand. "Anyone who would do all that to a young, innocent girl…."   
  
He sighed, and most of the tension left his shoulders. Cautiously, he took my hand.  
  
"I'm sorry that Tony hurt you. You could have told me. I would have understood."  
  
"At fourteen, and then again, at fifteen? Josh, I barely understood everything that had happened. In the space of a few months, I had married a total stranger, given birth in a small mountain cabin, and then woken from a comma in the very house I had tried to escape! I didn't want to burden you with my emotional baggage.  
  
"All I wanted to do then was escape Farthy the very day I turned eighteen, find Heaven and Luke and be a part of their lives again."  
  
Josh had watched my eyes during my speech, and when he spoke his voice was low and tender.  
  
"And now?"  
  
I pushed a few strands of hair away from my face before I said anything.   
  
"Now, I want to be a mother to Heaven."  
  
"What about love, Leigh?" He asked very softly. "What about finding happiness with some other man? Luke Casteel is not the only man out there."  
  
For me, he is, I thought, but knew I would never say that. Not to Josh. And it was time now that I opened my heart to someone other than Luke…  
  
"I think I've given up on love," I said somewhat bitterly.  
  
"Don't do that," he said seriously. "Leigh, don't close your heart to anyone but Luke. Please, don't close your heart to me," he said very softly.  
  
My breath caught, and my heart began to pound.  
  
"What-what are you saying?"  
  
"I think you know," he replied with a slow smile.   
  
Josh drew very close to me, and pulled me to him. I looked into his eyes and saw only kindness, and a need that echoed my own.  
  
For so long--years now--Luke had pushed me away, pushed me out of his life. If he could give up on something that could have become the best love of my--and his--life, then why should I hold onto a love that had obviously died some time ago? Why shouldn't I let myself love another man? And if that man was Josh, someone I had loved in a special way years ago, if he and I had a ghost of a chance at rekindling our old flame and making it better than it had been before--why shouldn't I take the proffered chance?  
  
I think Josh saw something in my eyes that convinced him I would not run from him. Very carefully, he brushed my lips with his. Shivers of something I had once felt ran down my spine. I could have sworn I felt that feeling in my toes. Without my noticing it, my arms had crept around Josh's neck, and one of my hands twined in his hair. He kissed me again, and for a moment, I could not remember if there had ever been any moment more pleasant, more passionate in my life than this one.  
  
I don't know that might have have happened next because just then the front door opened with a bang.  
  
Jennifer ran down the steps, her eyes wide and her face flushed. Quickly, I stepped away from Josh. I sensed that whatever Jennifer had to say would not be pleasant to hear.   
  
"Leigh, Luke just called," she announced, out of breath. "Heaven is missing!"  
  
___________  
  
---Author's Note---  
  
I just wanted to clarify some things mentioned in Chapter Four.   
  
First, Luke does still love Leigh. But as she suspected, he is afraid to love her again, afraid she'll leave again, as she did before when she "died." I didn't want readers thinking that he hates her now, or can't love her.   
  
Luke wants to change, to be again the man he was with Leigh, but he can't. He finds it easier to run--to Shirley's Place, or just away from wherever Leigh is--than face her and work out anything.  
  
Just wanted to clear up any confusion. It's not over for Leigh and Luke yet. Just watch out for the next few chapters. You'll be surprised by what happens! 


	6. Chapter Five: Lost and Found

Chapter Five: Lost and Found  
  
The entire flight back to West Virginia was a blur to me. I did not notice the other passengers, the food I ate, or the movie that was shown. Instead, I went over and over what Luke had told me on the phone.  
  
I had given him Jennifer's phone number in case of an emergency, never expecting he would even remember the number..much less have to use it.  
  
"I came back to the cabin," he had said, more calmly than I, "and Heaven was gone. Tom and Fanny were there, but not Heaven."  
  
"Luke, what could have happened?" I had cried, shrilly.  
  
"I don't know. But if I were you, I'd get back here quick."  
  
I had booked the first flight out of Greenville, briefly explained to Josh what had happened, told Jennifer I would call her soon with news, grabbed my bags and ordered the cab driver to get me to the airport as fast as he could.  
  
I hadn't wanted to leave Josh without saying anything regarding the kiss we had shared, so I had promised to call him, too. He had wanted to come back to Winnerrow with me, but I had told him that although I appreciated the offer, he shouldn't have to get too involved in my life.  
  
"We didn't work out the first or second times. Maybe Heaven coming up missing is an omen that we wouldn't work out a third time."  
  
I had left him with pain in his eyes…but my heart was splitting in two. My daughter, my baby, was missing. Missing!   
  
The word reverberated inside my head during the drive into Winnerrow and to the cabin. Missing, missing, Heaven was missing. Tears threatened to be my undoing, but I wouldn't let myself cry. I couldn't let myself cry. I might not stop once I started.  
  
Finally, I reached Luke's cabin, and turned off the car engine. Without pausing to catch my breath, I ran up the steps and into the cabin.   
  
I had not spent much time inside the cabin that housed the Casteel family since my return to Winnerrow. What I had seen had confirmed my suspicion that the inside was as run-down as the outside had been allowed to become.   
  
Now, though, the knowledge that Heaven was gone seemed to have thrown a blanket of darkness around the entire cabin. Tom and Fanny, Sarah's two children with Luke, sat on the big bed--the cabin's one bed--while Toby and Annie sat their rocking chairs. Luke was pacing the floors, his boots pounding against the wood. At my entrance, he looked up, his face tight and drawn, his eyes angry.  
  
"Sarah's gone, too," he announced.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Sarah's gone. She up an' left. Took her things and left me." He shoved a piece of paper at me, which I read quickly.  
  
Dear Luke:  
  
Can't take no more of ya not carin' bout me or my feelings. Can't keep hearin' ya call out for yer damned Angel in t' middle of the night! Can't stay with ya when ya run off, leavin' me an the kids alone in t' cabin. Need to be free from ya. I loved ya once, but I don't anymore. I'm takin' what matters most to ya wit me when I go.  
  
Sarah  
  
"What matters most to you?" I repeated. "What does that mean?"  
  
Luke grimaced.  
  
"I don't know. I went out an looked for her…looked for both of em, but couldn't find neither." He glanced at Fanny and Tom and then continued. "The kids said Heaven was gone when they all got up this morning, and Sarah left without making them any breakfast."  
  
"I have to go out and look for Heaven. Luke, you know that Sarah hates me. What she wrote in that note proves it! I believe she took Heaven, and I intend to find Sarah. Where I find her will be where I find my daughter."  
  
I ran back out of the cabin, and to my surprise, Luke ran after me. He caught up to me at my car.  
  
"Leigh… I want to go with you." At my look of confusion, he hurried on. "I know I haven't been the best father to Heaven. I know that since I'm not her real father, maybe I don't even have any claim to her. But I do love her. I do want to help find her. Please, let me do this for her, and…for you."  
  
Too shocked the say anything, I nodded at the passenger side door. He got in and sat down, and seconds later, I sped down the mountain road, desperate to find my daughter.  
  
_______  
  
In extreme frustration and worry, I slammed my hand down on the steering wheel. I glanced over and Luke and our eyes met. I saw the fear reflected in his gaze and turned away from him. I could not give in to the despair that threatened to be my undoing, but it was hard to stay optimistic after hours of searching for my daughter.   
  
"Sarah and Heaven have both been gone since this morning," I said, dully. "By now, they could be anywhere."  
  
"We'll find them, Leigh. Don't you worry," Luke said softly.  
  
I glared at him.  
  
"How can you be sure? How can you be confident? My little girl is missing, and we've been searching for hours, and-and we haven't found any trace of her." Luke began to speak, but I cut him off. "Heaven is out there somewhere, maybe tired and hungry and cold, and she must miss me. And I'm not there with her!" I said, with a sob.   
  
The tears that had sought to escape my eyes all day broke free now and traced their own paths down my cheeks. I tried to contain my sobs, but the harder I tried, the fiercer they became.  
  
A few seconds later, I felt an arm slip around my shoulders. Luke pulled me close to his side and embraced me. I let myself be held and tried again to quiet my tears and my fears. Softly, Luke smoothed my hair away from my face and rocked me back and forth.  
  
After a few minutes, I felt calmer, calm enough to disentangle myself from Luke and turn away to regain what was left of my shattered composure.   
  
"Where have we not looked?" I asked quietly.  
  
Both Luke and I sat in silence for a long moment. We had searched for signs of Sarah or Heaven at Winnerrow's only hotel, at the town's two diners, at the town park…anywhere we thought Sarah might have taken Heaven. If they had left, though, they could be anywhere by now. The town did not have an airport though, so unless they had went to--  
  
"The bus station!" I cried. "Luke, we never went there! We have to check, now!"  
  
I raced in that direction, holding out a kernel of hope…  
  
_______  
  
  
  
Luke went left and I went right when we entered the bus station. I watched him run off and dodge around people, and breathed a quick prayer for my baby's safety. I ran through the terminal, glancing left and right, calling out for Heaven. Oh, she just had to be here, she just had to be safe… I would never forgive myself if I let anything happen to my precious girl…she was my hope, my redemption, my life… She just had to be safe…  
  
Suddenly, I saw a small, dark-haired girl sitting in one of the plastic chairs. I walked toward her, hoping against hope she was who I was looking for…  
  
"Heaven?" I whispered.  
  
I drew close enough to her to peer into her face…and my heart fell when I realized the girl looked nothing like my daughter.  
  
Weakly, I leaned against the wall. Had Sarah escaped Winnerrow with Heaven? No, I couldn't, I wouldn't believe that…  
  
"LEIGH!" Someone called. My head snapped up at the sound of Luke's voice. "I found her!" I heard him call hoarsely.   
  
I felt my heartbeat speed up and sweat began to collect on my palms. My knees felt watery. I scanned the crowd for Luke, but couldn't see him, and then…then he came into view, carrying the sweetest sight in the world: Heaven. My baby.   
  
"Heaven!" I sobbed as I took her into my arms. "Oh, Heaven, thank God you're safe…"  
  
She wrapped her arms around my neck, clung tightly to me.  
  
"Mama, I was so scared when Sarah made me go with her! I thought I'd never see you…or Tom, or Buddy again!"  
  
"You're safe now, darling. You're safe now," I repeated as I kissed her cheeks. "Mama has you and you're safe."  
  
_______  
  
Over the next day, Luke and I pieced together what had happened. Sarah had hidden Heaven in the woods during the early morning hours, and had retrieved her when she had fled the cabin. She had shuffled her through town to finally end up at the bus station. Then, Sarah had gotten on a bus and had left Heaven there. Luke and I had arrived a few moments later.  
  
Those few minutes had made all the difference. Five more minutes and Heaven might have been lost to me forever… I was beyond grateful for her safety.  
  
I kept her with me in my apartment for three days after the incident. Sarah had not returned, and I doubted she would. I had offered to move into the cabin, but Luke insisted he could take care of the children on his own.  
  
I decided to let him…but I would keep a close watch on them to make sure they were all okay. Never again would I take for granted what I now had.  
  
______________  
  
Author's Note: I apologize for my lack of updates. I hope to finish this story within the next month or so. Look for more chapters soon, and, as always, thank for your reviews and support. --Molli 


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